Stethoscopes For Sale

James says:

Ok, I like the essay. I was pretty interested while reading it. One problem however, I felt like I was just reading what's thrown at me and there didn't seem to be much order. So let's talk about structure. Keep in mind that ALL great essays have that basic structure which we learned years ago.

I. Introduction
You did a good job in telling the reader what your essay is about. Introductions are usually like 5 sentences, but its important that it grabs the reader. I liked the little story about your dad, keeps the reader interested. One thing I would suggest, is to have a thesis statement somewhere in the end of your introduction.

II. Body
Now, if you have that thesis that we spoke about.. It makes your essay flow so much better. What you do is, for each part of your body you speak about one aspect of your thesis. I saw you have been jumping back and forth between subjects in the different paragraphs. Try to keep it together. For instance, one paragraph you can speak about why you decided you wanted to be a nurse(every single thing that brought you to that conclusion), another paragraph about why you want to help people, then another you can speak about the colleges etc, after that you can use another paragraph to state what you would like to accomplish as a nurse (note that essays DO NOT have to have exactly 3 body paragraphs). You have to be deep about it, show how much you are really interested in this career, show your love and care for people. Stories always help essays because they keep it interesting, maybe if you had a story about a sick person whom you helped? Or saw someone suffering and you just couldn't sit there watching, you really wanted to reach out there and help that person? Things like these help to strengthen your body paragraphs and captivate the reader.

III. Conclusion
You don't need to say in closing or in conclusion etc. The reader sees he/she is on the last paragraph, so they know that's your conclusion. Do not introduce anything you haven't said in your introduction and body paragraphs. All you do in read the paragraphs you have written above and simply summarize each. You then put those summaries into a little paragraph and that's your conclusion. Follow this guideline and I assure you your essay with be magnificent.

O and, when you were stating your sources, you have "sentence." (Author). You need to remove that period after (Author). because it is unnecessary and out of place when writing in this format. It should look like "sentence."(Author) Also, you need to spell check the essay because there are a few words that are misspelled. I edited the entire essay and was going to put it in my answer but yahoo said it was too long to post so I'm sorry about that. O and you have a few run on sentences (I would suggest making them two sentences or using a semi colon.)

Well that's all, I wish you all the best on your essay.